It’s never easy being faced with the possibility of getting divorced – but figures show that is becoming a reality for a growing number of older couples. Retired head of the family law team, Michael Lowry, offers his advice.
As we face the time of year when more divorces are started than any other – so much so that the first working Monday after Christmas and New year has been dubbed ‘Divorce Day’ – what lies behind this trend and what are the issues that older people should think about if they are getting divorced?
The latest statistics show that more than a quarter of all divorces were by men and women aged over 50. The figures from the Office for National Statistics show that around 28 per cent of divorces in 2016 were among this older age group.
A big factor is that life expectancy is increasing. Knowing that you could have 20-30 more years ahead of you may influence some over 50s to think the time is right to make a fresh start. Big life changes like retirement and children growing up and leaving home can also change the dynamics in a relationship and may lead to cracks starting to show. The simple fact of divorce becoming more socially acceptable may also play a part.
Divorce can be extremely painful, particularly for someone who does not choose to take that step. But, with the right advice to guide you through the process of divorce and, most importantly, achieve a fair financial settlement, there is life after divorce.
The financial issues for couples divorcing close to or during retirement are very different from those with a working life ahead of them. Securing adequate provision to fund your retirement is key and with the option of pension sharing, introduced in 2000, couples are able to completely separate their finances and achieve independence. However, this can be a complex area and expert advice is essential to navigate the process and the best way to establish the value of the pension.
Legal and financial technicalities aside, the emotional toll of divorce can be extremely high. My firm has produced a free guide to divorce and videos with clients focussing on their advice for others. I have been getting back in touch with some of my clients to find out how they have coped.
Elaine ran a business with her husband, which meant that she had to continue working with him for several months after they had separated. “It was so hard. I’m in my early 60s, so instead of retiring soon, I will have to work for longer, but it is a price I’m more than happy to pay. I valued my sanity, health and happiness, so I knew I had to focus on finding a better future for myself.”
The stress of the divorce took its toll on Elaine’s health, particularly her mental health. “I sought treatment from my GP and I’ve found the support of a counsellor to be invaluable.”
She recommends that anyone finding themselves in a similar position gets a support network in place. “You will need as many crutches as possible. That could be friends or family, medical professionals or other support. You need to do what you can to make sense of what is happening. It is so important to take care of yourself, particularly your mental health.”
When I asked her how she felt now that her divorce was behind her she told me: “I’ve never been so happy. I feel so fortunate to be at this point in my life. I have so much to look forward to, surrounded by loving family and friends.”
Elaine is pragmatic when she thinks about facing the future. “There are many people in the same position as me, having to start again in their 60s. It is not as scary as I thought it would be. This is an exciting new start.” This is a reassuring message for others who may be starting divorce proceedings, or going through divorce now – there is light at the end of the tunnel and a brighter future is in sight.
Elaine had this brilliant advice that may be useful for others going through divorce:
- Spend time to find the right solicitor. You need to get on well with them, but you also need to know that they will be able to negotiate well on your behalf.
- Believe what your solicitor is telling you. They are the experts and have done this hundreds of times before. It may mean they advise you to go against your instincts sometimes, but there will always be a good reason for this.
- You can be proactive and take back control, even if you have endured a very controlling relationship.
- Exercise and fresh air are important for your physical and mental wellbeing. If you can, take some time to go for a walk every day.
So no matter what your circumstances are, if you find yourself starting 2018 with a divorce, please have faith that things will get better. You are not alone and there is help and support available for you. Sometimes the hardest parts of your life are also the start of a new beginning.
As first published in the Western Morning News January 8th 2018.